I love you because…
What If We Focused on the Good Stuff?
In February 2024, I found myself in Temecula, California, on a sales trip with my daughter. One early morning around 3 a.m., wide awake in the hotel room, my mind wandered to a marriage podcast I had recently listened to. The speaker—a counselor—shared a simple but powerful practice for strengthening relationships:
Ask your spouse: “What are three things I can do to be a better spouse?”
It’s a vulnerable question. One that requires humility, emotional maturity, and a willingness to learn. But it stuck with me. So, in a moment of courage (and admittedly less-than-ideal approach), I texted the question to my wife, Sherrie.
Her response came after a delay:
“I’ll answer that if you answer it for me. We need to go on more dates.”
That was the end of the conversation.
Simple. Honest. True.
And while I only received one suggestion (which I happen to fully agree with), it sparked a deeper train of thought.
Do We Spend Too Much Energy Trying to "Fix" Each Other?
How much of our energy in marriage is spent trying to improve one another?
How often do we default to correction rather than appreciation?
I’m a little embarrassed to admit it, but, why do we tend to rush to point out the faults—to say, “I wish you would…”—rather than to purposefully pause and say, “I feel so grateful when you…”
What If We Flipped the Script?
A happier way to live. A happier way to love.
What if, instead of telling our spouse how they can improve, we intentionally expressed those things they are doing daily that is already amazing —what makes us feel loved, connected, and seen?
What if we made space for phrases like:
“I feel loved when you __________.”
“I feel connected to you when you __________.”
“I appreciate it so much when you __________.”
“I feel attracted to you when you __________.”
“I feel seen when you __________.”
These aren’t complicated prompts, but they carry positive emotional power—because they invite connection instead of critique. I wonder what kind of energy would begin to flow in a relationship when these are the conversations we prioritize.
Focus on What’s Working
We all need growth. Feedback matters. But maybe—just maybe—the path to a stronger marriage isn’t paved primarily with correction, but with abundant appreciation.
So here’s a little challenge:
Pause for a moment. Think about your person. Complete this sentence in your mind:
“I feel loved when you…”
Now… go ahead. Draft a text message to your lover that includes and completes that sentence. Send that text. See what happens.
Keep those Butterflies Alive
You know that feeling. The moment your person does that special something that makes you happy inside? Tell them.
What happens to the energy between two people when we consistently express what our sweetheart does every day to fill our lives with love?
At the beginning of a healthy romantic relationship, there’s a natural abundance of love expressions. We notice and talk about everything we love about the other person. It’s part of what helps us fall in love.
But what happens after the honeymoon phase? After years—maybe decades—go by? Which love energy trend are you experiencing?
The Power of Noticing
There’s an abundance of good in any healthy relationship. Once we become more aware of it—what do we do with that knowledge?
There’s a long list of compelling reasons to talk about the good you see in your spouse.
One of my favorite business authors and speakers, Marcus Buckingham, (https://www.buckinghaminstitute.com/) co-authored a book called “9 Lies About Work.” While it’s technically a business book, it’s really about how to better interact with people—which causes me to think about marriage.
In the book, lie #5 is this:
“People need feedback.”
You know the type—constructive criticism. The idea that people need to hear what they’re doing wrong so they can fix it.
Maybe. But Buckingham argues that what people really need is feedback on all the ways they’re already amazing.
Interesting, right?
Imagine a home—or a marriage—where there is energy, thinking, and conversation abundantly focused on the beauty of who your spouse is and the wonderful things they do every day. Could it be that when we focus on the good, we build enough emotional capital to work through the things that do need improvement?
Love Notes - Simple, Happy Love Notes
After that short “What can I do to be a better spouse?” conversation with Sherrie, we decided to take a different approach.
We started sharing weekly love notes—deliberate, thoughtful messages about the things we love and appreciate in each other. Things that make us smile, bring comfort, create romantic butterflies, inspire gratitude, and fill our days with love.
And I’ve noticed something powerful.
Our 30+ year relationship feels more like it did when we were 21—only better. My appreciation for her has deepened, while always there. Romance has grown. Disagreements feel milder and shorter-lived.
These simple, consistent expressions of love sparked something beautiful—and it inspired us to create something for other couples.
Introducing: The WhenYou App for Couples
We created the WhenYou app for couples (whenyou.co) as a private, positive space where we as long-term, committed couples can share the good we see in each other. Every week, I look forward—with actual butterflies—to the message I’ll receive from Sherrie.
The app includes simple prompts to guide your thoughts as you write, gentle reminders to send a love note and the warm cadence of personal expression between couples. Exchanging love notes has genuinely strengthened our emotional intimacy and connection.
Also? It’s just plain fun. Romantic. Playful. Uplifting.
You can take your messages in whatever direction you feel that week. There are no rules—just encouragement to notice the good and share it.
Find it on the App Store: https://apps.apple.com/us/app/whenyou-for-couples/id6578441811
Find it on the Google Play: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.whenyou.android&hl=en_US
Love Feels Young
The years pass, the butterflies can stay.
So I guess we’re lovers and dreamers—choosing to see and speak the good going on between us. Like we do when we are “young and in love.”
Is it possible to be in young love regardless of the years that pass? We think so.
I’m not ready to admit I’m old yet…
But I will admit that as the years pass, I’m still in love.
There’s so much about her to be in love with. And I love leaning into that—choosing to see our relationship through that lens.
Oh—and it’s Monday. I can’t wait to receive my WhenYou love note from Sherrie at 9:30 AM.